Cinemassacre vs Channel Awesome! Two of the most iconic reviewers of the internet in a no-holds barred showdown! Who will win, the Nerd or the Critic?
Wiz: The first workable prototype of the Internet came in the late 1960s with the creation of ARPANET, or the Advanced Research Projects Agency Network.
Boomstick: And these two people are the most well-known reviewers the internet has to offer.
Wiz: James Duncan Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd...
Boomstick: And Doug Walker, the Nostalgia Critic. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Angry Video Game Nerd Edit
Wiz: James Duncan Rolfe was born on July 10, 1980, in New Jersey, to Scott and Marlene Rolfe. Rolfe started filming movies in 1989 and continued this hobby into the early 1990s.
Boomstick: Rolfe's career did not take off until May 2004, when he filmed a review of the Nintendo Entertainment System game Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. And this is when he became the Angry Video Game Nerd we all know and love.
Wiz: The Nerd is strong enough to punch away the Joker, fast enough to dodge explosions and durable enough to survive electrocution.
Boomstick: The Nerd can use the Superscope to fire fast but weak shots. He also has the option to to fire slow, but incredibly powerful shots.
Wiz: He also has the Power Pad, which he can use to fly, and grow to enourmas sizes. And he has the Konami Laser Scope, where he shouts "FIRE!" and a fireball is launched.
Boomstick: But trust me, saying "FUCK!" is miles better.
Wiz: He also owns the Blaster, which works similar to that of RoboCop’s Auto 9 pistol, but two instead of three. This weapon has unlimited ammo, and it was shown to pierce through metal, and Caca Demons. But like everything that is used to protect you, it runs on batteries.
Boomstick: The Power Glove works like a metal boxing glove and he is also a cyrokinetic like Sub-Zero.
Wiz: He also has knowledge in boxing and has mastered the Shoryuken. He has managed to fight and defeat the likes of Bugs Bunny, the Joker, Leatherface, and even Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees.
Boomstick: The Nerd also knows the Hadoken and the Sonic Boom from Street Fighter.
Wiz: But when all else fails, he summons Super Mecha Death Christ 2000 BC Version 4.0 Beta.
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
Boomstick: Once the Nerd summons this baby, may God help you.
Wiz: Unfortunately, the Nerd is in serious need of anger management.
Angry Video Game Nerd: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KIND OF LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, one guy? No continues? Like seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES? WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAHHH!
The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, then screams into a pillow.
Angry Video Game Nerd: FUCK-FUCK-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game, then smashes it with a hammer.
Boomstick: Not to mention, he has a nasty habit of drinking.
Wiz: But this is one nerd you definitely shouldn't mess with.
Angry Video Game Nerd: This game sucks.
Nostalgia Critic Edit
Wiz: Doug Walker was originally born in Naples, Italy in November 17, 1981.
Boomstick: Doug has seen a ton of crappy movies in his childhood, so he said, ''I'm gonna review these movies, so everybody knows how awful these movies really are!''. However, he has had plent of adventures, in his later years, with many other reviewers.
Wiz: The Critic's primary weapon is his Colt MEU. It is a type of pistol that can blow someone's head off.
Boomstick: His second gun is the Colt Model, which can also shoot 12 Pounds per minute.
Wiz: He can also make use of a baseball bat which can kill people with a few hits. And although he shows no experience with, he can also use a whip.
Boomstick: And in his Power Rangers review, he got the Power Ranger costume, and a weakness to this suit is that he moves around like a crazy dumbass. But this disadvantage is easily counterd with his biggest advantage. He is able too summon a giant ass robot!
Wiz: But his strangest ability is his anger. In his Quest for Camelot review, he caused two nuclear explosions just by slamming his fists on the desk... and somehow, he survived them.
Boomstick: Speaking of durability, he can survive being hit in the gonads numerous times, being smashed into a building and being shot to death.
Wiz: He is also strong enough to knock out his assistant with only two punches. And one time, he ran away very quickly from Katara and he can seemingly teleport.
Boomstick: And when he has a mental breakdown, he somehow speeds up.
Nostalgia Critic: THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS STUPID! STUPID, STUPID...
The camera speeds up.
Nostalgia Critic: ...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID... STUPIIID! STUPID! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY STUPID! THIS IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! GOD, HORSE, ASS, WHOLE PACK OF SHIT! STUPID SHIT! THIS IS STUPID SHIT! ASS, FUCKFACE, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, YOU IN THE ASS FUCKED HARD! STUPID! IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! ASS! ASS! WHORE, ASS, SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHERFUCK! (Sobs, returns to normal speed) OK.
Wiz: Speaking of which, the Critic's mental health has been progressively falling since he started reviewing movies. In particular, the Batman & Robin review made him go so insane he tried to kill himself many times and all sharp objects, even his tie, were confiscated from him.
Boomstick: He also wields a Crouquet Mallet, which is weak. Very weak.
Wiz: He can even use a grenade and blow fire from his mouth. However, he really isn't much of an experienced combatant.
Boomstick: But still, this is a Critic that you should not underestimate.
Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE! Edit
A black and white picture of Angry Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic fighting is shown. Nostalgia Critic's voice can be heard over this.
Nostalgia Critic (Voiceover): On October 10th, 2008, an epic battle took place. The combatants were a nerd and a critic. Although the nerd won, the critic was not dead. Seven years have passed since that day. Well today, the rematch of legends shall begin. A rematch between an Angry Video Game Nerd and a Nostalgia Critic.
Angry Video Game Nerd is seen playing an NES game.
Angry Video Game Nerd: I'd rather have someone stick a needle in my left ball than play this game!
A doorbell is heard ringing. Angry Video Game Nerd pauses the game and answers the door. It's Nostalgia Critic
Angry Video Game Nerd: You!
Nostalgia Critic: You nearly killed me, Nerd. Needless to say, I'm not very happy.
Angry Video Game Nerd: This time, I'm gonna make sure you stay dead!
Angry Video Game Nerd tries to punch Nostalgia Critic, but Nostalgia Critic and punches Angry Video Game Nerd. Angry Video Game Nerd headbutts Nostalgia Critic. Nostalgia Critic punches Angry Video Game Nerd in the chest, forcing him back. Nostalgia Critic politely closes the door before attempting to punch Angry Video Game Nerd. However, Angry Video Game Nerd dodges Nostalgia Critic's attack and fires an ice blast at him.
Nostalgia Critic: That's new.
Angry Video Game Nerd then punches Nostalgia Critic before choking him. However, Nostalgia Critic shoots Angry Video Game Nerd in the stomach with his Colt MEU, forcing him back. As Angry Video Game Nerd struggles with his wound, Nostalgia Critic shoots him in the shoulder. He then shoots him in the knee, bringing him down to his good one. Nostalgia Critic walks over to his opponent to finish him off.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, turns out I'm the better reviewer, Angry Video Game Nerd.
Angry Video Game Nerd: (Commando-style) BULLSHIT!
Angry Video Game Nerd then punches Nostalgia Critic in the groin. He then grabs his throat, pins him to a wall and punches him in the face until his nose bleeds. Nostalgia Critic punches Angry Video Game Nerd, forcing him to release him. He punches him a few more times before he pushes him and retrieves his weapon. He tries to shoot Angry Video Game Nerd, but Angry Video Game Nerd dodges the bullets until he shoots Nostalgia Critic's hand off with his Superscope. He tries to finish off Nostalgia Critic, but Nostalgia Critic dodges the death blow, picks up his Colt MEU with his remaining hand and shoots Angry Video Game Nerd in the shoulder. Angry Video Game Nerd fires another ice blast at Nostalgia Critic, but Nostalgia Critic dodges it and shoots Angry Video Game Nerd in his good knee, bringing him down. He then pushes him back and onto the ground and uses his foot to hold him down.
Nostalgia Critic: No more BULLSHIT is gonna save you now, Angry Video Game Nerd. I am truly the superior reviewer. All you had to do was just surrender in the beginning. But of course, you had to give me a dirty insult. And for that, you shall die.
???: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
Nostalgia Critic turns around to see Super Mecha Death Christ.
Nostalgia Critic: You again?
Super Mecha Death Christ fires at Nostalgia Critic, but Nostalgia Critic dodges. Angry Video Game Nerd narrowly dodges as well. Angry Video Game Nerd then grabs Nostalgia Critic's leg, spins him around and throws him. Nostalgia Critic slowly gets up.
Nostalgia Critic: I think... I'm gonna hurl...
Nostalgia Critic then vomits as Angry Video Game Nerd watches with disgust. Super Mecha Death Christ fires at Nostalgia Critic until he dies. To make sure Nostalgia Critic stays dead, Angry Video Game Nerd shoots Nostalgia Critic with his Superscope, blowing a hole in his stomach. Angry Video Game Nerd then hoists Nostalgia Critic into the air and rips him in half from there.
Angry Video Game Nerd: I'm gonna get arrested for this.
Boomstick: Was this rematch totally worth the waiting for or what?
Wiz: Nostalgia Critic may have held the durability advantage, but Angry Video Game Nerd outclassed him everywhere else.
Boomstick: Angry Video Game Nerd has more combat experience and has fought freaking Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees and killed them for crying out loud!
Wiz: And even though Nostalgia Critic could end the fight if Angry Video Game Nerd isn't careful, the latter's weapons and abilities still surpassed Nostalgia Critic's.
Boomstick: And when Super Mecha Death Christ came in, Nostalgia Critic was doomed. Sure he survived their previous fight, but since this is Death Battle, all fights end in permanent death. We are Wiz and Boomstick, we remember it so you don't have to.
Wiz: The winner is the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Advantages & Disadvantages Edit
Angry Video Game Nerd Edit
+ More experienced
+ Has better weapons and abilities
+ Super Mecha Death Christ was a huge help
- Less durable
- If he isn't careful, Nostalgia Critic could end the fight
Nostalgia Critic Edit
+ More durable
+ If Angry Video Game Nerd isn't careful, Nostalgia Critic could end the fight
- Less experienced
- Has worse weapons and abilities
- Super Mecha Death Christ was a huge problem
Next Time Edit
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle!
An immense dark dragon with chains on it's tusks emerges from the water and roars. Another large dragon emerges from a mountain and roars.